it's setting in.

well, i’ve started feeling some new feelings! at the clinic i work at, the therapists teach DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills — one of the concepts is a laid out in a venn diagram which has a Rational Mind circle, an Emotion Mind circle and in the middle, Wise Mind. it’s fair to say, Rational Mind took a backseat last night we are teetering between Wise Mind and Emotion Mind depending on… the hour and who i am talking to.

i cried for a while last night, finding myself angry that i have to muster up strength to fight something. sad, because well, i have cancer and because i know a lot of people are worried about me and i am sad for their sadness. i searched #breastcancer on instagram and rather than find some of it inspiring, i started thinking about if i have to do chemo and experiencing that level of physical weakness.

generally speaking, i take good care of myself. in the last 10 years i’ve had a number of workout regimens and routines, from weight lifting to running to yoga. people sometimes express surprise at my physical strength. i’ve had surgeries before that have had me on crutches but i’ve never had a serious illness, injury or accident.

my mental health has never been severe, either. i sporadically work with a therapist but this is usually because i tend to be incredibly hard on myself and i question my worth, ability or intellect more so than i experience chemical imbalances and have clinical diagnoses.

spiritually, i’m a seeker and a believer. i go to church and take what lands with me. growing up, that was mostly the “peace be with you” exchange in mass. i veered off for a while, not identifying with any belief structure but when i was pregnant with Audrey felt called back to a faith tradition. through the church i attend, i met four of my best met-in-adulthood friends and their influence on my life is profound. more recently i’ve been thinking a lot about ‘God’ from a perspective of perennial wisdom and consciousness, more so than a Christian focus, but either way, i’m a person with faith and a strong spiritual foundation.

my Wise Mind knows i’m going to be okay and i’m no closer to dead because of this tumor than i was before it. i’m fairly certain the curveball was cancer and that there won’t be any more major surprises as these appointments progress. i’m grateful that my mind and spirit have been tried and strengthened to face this with fortitude. people tell me i’m strong and i know they are right…

… but i’ve never had to be strong through physical weakness and fight with my body, for my body. and it sucks. and it’s hardly started. today, i’m sad and scared. last night i cried in bed and today i cried at Goodwill… and Costco… and the Mary Poppins movie… and on the phone… and in front of Audrey (i seem to always read about parents not letting their children see them cry but i’ve always put realness above sheltering her from my honest emotion and hardship). it felt good to cry and to come to this realization… but it sucks. and i’m tired. and it’s hardly started.