tumors + nodes + mets, oh my!

it’s only been two weeks since i got the results and was diagnosed with breast cancer.  my initial overwhelm of love and support has subsided  (the overwhelm has subsided, the love and support has increased) and having cancer is definitely now the overwhelming, son of a bitch that cancer usually is.   when i started writing, i was imagining something brief and simple.

and wouldn’t that have been nice! i went in because of one lump. one lump was biopsied and found malignant. imaging found additional lumps and lymph nodes to be concerned about. further imaging tells us, all the lumps & lymphs are malignant and it appears the cancer has metastasized to my pelvic bone. this, the doctors and Dr. Google tell me, is common - but because the area of concern on the pelvis is located in a spot that makes it nearly impossible to biopsy and confirm, we are working off an assumption that it is malignant, which means the staging changes. stage 1b or early 2 are out and an assumptive stage 4 is in. however, the proposed course of treatment is for advanced stage 3 (chemo, then surgery, then radiation, then hormone therapy), which means in another two weeks, i’ll have had my first chemo infusion. i’ll post more details about the long-term course and hope of treatment when it is confirmed, as there are still a few loose ends to tie up.

Audrey knows it’s cancer — i was given a backpack of coping supplies to give to her by the Angel Foundation which included a teddy bear.  she’s named him Teddy and him and Ellie (her OG lovie) have become fast friends.  she’s handling the changes to our routine well and starting to be more curious about the additional company, flower deliveries and frequent tears. i can tell she is processing and by the extra loving she’s giving me, a bit worried, but she’s still very much Audrey and her energy and spirit are bringing me joy.  my mom heads home to sunny florida tomorrow.  i’m grateful to have had her here and that when she gets home, not only will her and my dad be together, but that they have such a wonderful network of support there, too.

if you’re wondering how i’m doing with all of this, i’m not sure what to tell you quite yet. a few nights ago i was talking with Joel who told me of an old radiolab episode about limits of the human body, which i listened to on sunday evening.  the following is a quote from a woman they interviewed named Julie Moss. Julie competed in an ironman in 1982 which she famously finished on hands and knees (after shitting herself on national television) and i guess for now, the grit of this is something i resonate with:

my life was going to be different

i felt my life changing

i made a deal with myself

a deal was struck

and i don’t care if it hurts

i don’t care if it’s messy

i don’t care how it looks

i would finish