things are lookin' up!

friday was a really good day! the best since all of this began, really.  sometime last week i described this as “just another project to manage… that occasionally makes me cry”. and now that the logistics are getting covered, the permits are getting approved, and the workers are in place… it feels more manageable. although “occassionally” is more accurate as “nightly”.

the big high of friday was a second opinion consultation which affirmed the current team’s diagnosis and plan for treatment.  a good friend, Dr. Joe, facilitated the referral to Dr. Bal, who is not only a brilliant and well-known oncologist, but one of the most gentle and kind people (let alone doctors) who I have ever encountered.  while it doesn’t make it any less aggressive or serious, his encouragement (“you know, humor kills the tumor. it is important to remain positive.”) and vote of confidence in the team of care that i have brought me a sense of relief and a deep breath that i didn’t know i needed. when i met with Dr. Shah, the oncologist i will be working with, i was in a different stage of processing — i wanted hard facts and no sugar coating and she accommodated that. by the time i got to Dr. Bal, i needed just the compassion he showed. Colleen said after the appointment that i looked the most relaxed that i have in the last three weeks and the outcome of this news and meeting brought her the same energy and attitude high it did me.

so much so, we went out (!) to one of my favorite local dives to play pool and darts with Anna, which was a nice mix of fun, competition and release. the crowd was the most dive-y ever and Colleen reminded us of cut-throat pool.  i lost the first game but dominated the second game, ending it with a 7 or 8-shot streak that came out of nowhere. i also won darts with two double 17’s like some kind of pro.

yesterday was a good day, too. i woke up much earlier than i wanted but got a nice morning nap in, worked a little both on work and around the house, then had a visit with Anna and Karly, then a few more errands and went to Legacy for a glass show and out afterwards  (unfortunately, my luck from friday did not help Josh and i in shuffleboard).  it was a later and longer night than i planned but when my head hit the pillow i realized, at some point in the night, i forgot that i have cancer and it was really nice to have let that go for a few hours.

i guess i’m just at a place with this where i’m ready to make the most of it.  i’m thinking of ways to bring joy into the chemo wing in the coming weeks and of how to fill my down time with things that feed my soul and nurture my body, mind, and spirit.  it sucks and it’s going to get worse before it gets better… but i’m practicing being present to each day, one day at a time, and starting to feel a renewed sense of strength to march on with.

and now, i shall nap.

ps - as far as needs go, if you or someone you know has been through chemo and found certain products or supplements or hacks for making some of the side effects better, i’d welcome any of those as gifts or tips (i’ve decided not to fight hair loss though, so no cold capping info needed). the first infusion is a week from tomorrow.