updates!

whenever i sit down to write, i hem and haw about how to start my post as i haven’t really locked in a sign on/off salutation. does this matter to you? probably not, but it is what i am choosing to start with today because there are so many things to say and i don’t know where to start, so bear with me.

last week monday was my final infusion of chemo cycle numero uno. the prayer request and general hope over the last 8 weeks of these infusions was “let the chemo work!" and y’all - IT DID! on friday i had a chest MRI and my oncologist said the original scan showed the main tumor to be 4 x 3.7 x 2.6 cm and the scan from friday is measuring at 2.5 x 2.5 x 1.5 cm - so it shrunk almost 40% (to the friends and family that i gleefully said “it shrunk in HALF!!!” to… i hope you don’t feel misled)!!

other good news is that there were no changes to the left breast, meaning, there was no malignancy/abnormality and this is still the case and the malignant right axillary lymph nodes have decreased in volume as well. i believe she also said something about the mammary nodes but i didn't write it down so i don’t remember if that was positive or neutral news but my notes do also say one of the smaller tumors in the right breast was described as “persistent” which isn’t great but isn’t the end of the world.

so, in terms of treatment and results, i believe they in the oncology world call this a “partial response” and this is overall good and worth a few PRAISE THE LORDs and HIP HIP HOORAYs! it means we carry on with the plan of continuing chemo for 12 infusions, weekly, starting in april. because it is weekly, it is a different, less intense and aggressive chemo drug that goes by the name of taxol. only time will tell how i will tolerate this one, but based on how i held up to the red devil and from some anecdotal tales from other women who have had the same course of treatment, i have hope of it being kind of okay.

if you read the chemo 3 post, you know that was one hell of a week for me which made me very nervous about how chemo 4 would go. well, it is quite possible that starting on an anti-depressant the friday before chemo was the culprit of the intensity, because just about everything has maintained considerably better since crawling out of that hole. i did take two 3 hour naps on wednesday and two 2 hour naps on thursday and my appetite wasn’t great, but other than tired and some bowel disruptions, i don’t feel as though there is much to complain about from last week.

however, i do have to bitch about one thing and that is: of the most persistently frustrating things about cancer has been that there are SO many variables that could play an effect on how i am feeling or side effects i am experiencing. just about everything feels like a multiple choice of options —

am i sleeping 18 hours a day because i am: a) poisoning my body with chemo, b) depressed and adjusting to an anti-depressant, c) all of the above

do i have a fever because i: a) have a weakened immune system from chemo and an infection, b) my body is fighting a routine virus, c) ???? i don’t know

OR… even better, complete opposite possibilities… such as: this may cause constipation OR diarrhea. yeah, that’s a fun one.

this can also go for my mood, my stress level, and on and on and on… being someone who tries to be mindful and aware of what i am feeling and why, again, this is persistently frustrating to me. perhaps it is just a facade in every day life and i convince myself i know what is the cause of an effect as a mechanism to have some sense of control, but this aspect of cancer can most certainly suck it.

anyway, i digress from that tangent and move on to the next important subject matter — GoFundMe, the 844 people who have shared it on Facebook, and every single person who has sent a message, a text, a card, a gift, a donation, a prayer, and positivity:

HOLY FORK AND SHIRT!!!!!! i haven’t been able to compose a response that feels adequate to express how absolutely AMAZING you all are and how incredibly SUPPORTED i feel and how downright HUMBLING it has been to scroll through the donation amounts, the names, the messages, the EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. all i can do is say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond on behalf of my family and i.

while i hope that hardship never falls on your doorstep, i know better. so instead, i hope that when it does you are able to feel even half of the love that we do and know that we will do our best to pay it forward and return this kindness to you, if ever given the opportunity. thank you, thank you, thank you.

this week Audrey is on spring break and i didn’t send her to Florida or Chicago so that we could get in some special and quality time while i am feeling well, so for this week, no news will more than likely mean good news. she continues to amaze me with how well she is adjusting to changes in the routine, accepting of when i am parenting at a lower capacity, and caring for my limitations (“are you sure your doctor would be okay with you biking?”).

and with that, i am out and off to bed, and hoping everyone finds some joy and blessings in their week.