cinco y seis de quimio.

hello all:

hate to keep people hanging on the week’s theme-o or updates, but i recognized a bit ago that i was having a harder timer accessing some of my feelings and emotions while i am on an anti-depressant. most of the time if someone asks me how i feel and i say “doing good!”, it’s not blowing smoke, i didn’t know i would (could?!) feel as overall GOOD —  physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally — as i have been.

however, i’m comfortable to say it’s not easy; there has not ceased to be a week that didn’t have some type of non-cancer-shitty-and-complicated-to-deal-with life matter and if there has been a week without that, i’ve been handling a Project Cancer matter, or been practically comatose with lethargy which triggers brief but deep symptoms of depression.  all things considered though, it’s much more bad dream than nightmare.

however the past two weeks, i’ve shifted my focus a little to connect with my body and mind in new or different ways to have a wider experience of more moments and writing hasn’t been high on my list. but… i’ve been able to have a few good and needed cries, expressions of passionate anger or opinion, and had two weekends in a row with Audrey that have been so simple and so wonderful, with only one passionately angry mother daughter incident!

i haven’t been able to predict how my week will go very well and the last two were filled with heavy sleep, random symptoms (headaches, nose bleeds), missed alarms, hemorrhoids, and quite the appetite. thanks to the Cancer Diet (not recommended) by April i’d lost 15 lbs, mostly from my chest it seems (seems kind of like salt on a wound) but finally stopped loosing and starting to maintain for 3 weeks and over the last two weeks have been able to gain!

the Taxol is truly much less harsh in many aspects; my hair is growing back in and with more consistent coverage than i expected — i went a month before feeling like it was time to shave my head again, did while Fitz was here and can tell already i probably won’t wait a month again. my cycle started in a very baby step kind of way last month and am hoping it comes again on a normal cycle — which would explain why i was able to have a Costco size container of M&Ms in my home for the duration of 3 months and in the last week i’ve eaten, by myself, 4 share size bags. there are other ways i’ve noticed parts of my body and functioning that left, returning… but I can’t think of them now, so moving on!

we’ll see what this week brings in terms of fatigue and fog. i’ve been mildly neutropenic (at risk for infection due to low mL and age of white blood cells in bone marrow) for 3 weeks and today hit a new low: 1.19.  risk is moderate at 1.00. so far, i have still gotten full doses but if we get down to 0.80 > we break. so, let’s all focus on staying in the MILD range and to be able to have the appropriate energy and functioning to take care of the various Reminders on my ‘Project Cancer’ and ‘Life’s A Trip’ Reminder Lists.

so — when we whipped “this too shell pass” together, we had scrapped “where’s baldo?” for treatment number 5 so we could get hats and glasses.  this one was fun and we took some cheesy photos of me trying to be hiding in the parking lot, i’ll have to ask Fitz to send them and then update the post. ha! Gruve joined again and brought the cribbage board and if i remember correctly Fitz, who dominated at the beginning of the month got crushed.

we then had this week to work with which was on the end of Star Wars/May the Fourth Day, the Kentucky Derby, and Cinco de Mayo. i went with Cinco de Mayo on the logic that it was treatment number 5… well turns out chemo brain got me there, so today’s was a belated Cinco de Mayo for the seis de doce temas de quimio.

also: it’s National Nurses Week. give love to the nurses you know. most of them, including the one pictured here with me, ARE FREAKIN’ INCREDIBLE!