pause.

this week, we pressed pause on treatment.  my blood work came back to show that my white blood cell count and my neutrophil count were down to levels that moved me from “mildly” to “moderately” neutropenic.

the normal range for white blood cells is 4.3-10.8… mine were at 1.8.

the normal range for neutrophils is 1.8 - 7.8… mine were at 0.78.

this is what people are talking about when they say “immunocompromised”. this isn’t unexpected. it isn’t abnormal for someone undergoing chemo. but this is where the risk of chemo comes in. this is where the treatment, not the cancer, becomes more of a threat to survival. is that as scary to read as it is to type?

the goal is still to reach 12 treatments, which we will do…

… potentially with a lesser dose

…potentially with a stimulant to help my body increase its white blood cell production

…or potentially as planned for the remaining 6 with full doses, to wrap up the last week of June

this felt like a logistical burden more so than an emotional one at the beginning of the week but as the week has progressed, as i type this…  the weight of the last 4.5 months moves over and around me like a storm moving through. the water, once still, ripples a bit more and the sunshine and blue skies are just as much a presence as the dark grey clouds and rumbles of thunder in the distance.

so, as disruptive as the pause may be to a timeline, it also feels right. i’ve taken in over half the chemo my body is scheduled to withstand. i’ve done a lot of rest and reflection but not so much releasing.  as much as i wrote and shared in January, i have kept private or left unprocessed since. it has prompted me to seek retreat for the weekend and commune with silence and nature.  to unplug and disconnect. to listen and write. to ground and regroup.

til then, please continue to send your healing love and positive energy to Project Cancer and thank you for this support.