ready for take off.
alright gang — we’ve got all the pieces of the puzzle that we need to switch gears from planning to treating. so, here it is:
i will have a procedure to have my port placed on friday
chemo begins monday
4 infusions over 8 weeks, every other monday
if the first chemo cycle is effective (shrinking tumors), we continue with chemo: 12 infusions over 12 weeks
then surgery
then 4-6 weeks later, radiation
if the cancer is unresponsive or gets worse in the first 8 weeks, we ‘jump ship’ and do surgery, then re-group. so, for all of you who are looking for specifics to pray for, this is notable — we are aiming for this 20 week stretch of chemo.
we met with Joy, the genetics counselor today and all current genetics information indicates my cancer is not hereditary. for this, i am glad my family members are that much less likely to have similar battles. there were two gene mutations that could possibly someday be researched and studied enough to indicate they have some role in it, but for now, they are just a question mark. i will register with two research groups to potentially assist with advancing this knowledge.
i will be working as i am able on a limited basis for the next 3 weeks and then will be leaving the clinic to focus on treatment. as of now, i have rides and chemo buddies already planned for the first cycle of infusions. Colleen and i talked about chemo costumes and/or theme weeks so maybe this weekend will be a trip to the party store. then will be figuring out: when do i feel good and have energy? when do i feel bad and sick? what tastes good?
and the hot question: how are you? i can’t tell if i’m really okay or if i’m okay because i am in denial. there is definitely a reality of this that i haven’t yet grasped and won’t be able to wrap my head around until i am in it, which gives me a bit of anxiety about the port procedure because there will be no denying it then. i haven’t cried myself to sleep in a few nights, so i am feeling less lonely and sad, at least for now. i’m pretty pissed about having to miss out on a winter vacation and that i will be spending the precious spring and summer months in chemo / recovery / radiation. i’m definitely scared because there are a lot of risks and unknowns and things about my body and my life that will never be the same. i’ve also never been in a position where i’m at a physical disadvantage that limits my ability to parent and my independence (and we all know how much i like my independence)!
that being said, there really is so much to be grateful for… access to healthcare, science and research, that i found the lump, that it isn’t rare or causing more pain, that other than this i am a healthy person, all of the love everyone is showing me and my family and my friends, i have a warm bed to crawl into and a fridge full of food, and on and on and on… i’m feeling the sadness, the anger, the fear. those are real and they are heavy… but i’ve always looked for and believed in the the bright side of things — in people and in circumstances — and i’m sure as hell not going to stop now.
the other question: how is Audrey? well, she has only had 9 days of school this month between winter break, strep throat, a common cold and the uncommon cold weather, so i think she’s pretty pumped about that. she’s also had a bunch of play dates and got to spend most of last weekend with Ali & Shan. i bought 3 books about parents with cancer and tonight she agreed to read one of them for the first time. she is still sleeping with Ted (the cancer bear who i incorrectly referred to as Teddy in a previous post) and wanting more/giving more hugs and affection. certainly, she’ll have her own bit of reality to adjust to in the next week but all in all, i think she is doing as good and as expected, processing at her own pace.
thank you for all of the love & support.
