chemo 1: no prob-llama
i’m really glad it’s february. january was LONG and just one hell of a month and i am happy to trade all of last month’s doctors visits with more social activities for february. now i just need to practice my “no” and be honest with how i am feeling when the time comes… so, if we have plans and i bail, i promise it’s not you, it’s me.
thursday, Dre and i went to see the second opinion surgeon. he was a wonderful man who knew my case well and kept it real — “you’ve got some real shit ahead of you, Hana, and you’ve gotta keep your eye on the ball”. valuable opinion takeaway from this was him saying if the chemo doesn’t work the first 8 weeks, we need to find chemo that does work. surgery should take place only once chemo has done it’s fair share of damage to the malignancy. so keep up those prayers for chemo to work!!!
friday was the port procedure, which went well. i was consciously sedated meaning i fell asleep in the operating room and woke up in the operating room, snoozing through the surgery itself. Chupp did a great job and even took into consideration the placement, low enough so that if i want to wear a swimsuit, i can hide it pretty well. i was stiff and sore through sunday evening but accessing it yesterday went just fine. i can see how this device is beneficial and will make the whole process easier.
yesterday, exactly four weeks post-biopsy, was my first chemo infusion. it lasted about 4 hours and i was in good company with Coll, Gruve and Anna there for the whole treatment. we theme-o chemo’d with llama onesies C found at target and dubbed it as “No Prob-llama” which was an expression collaged onto a mixtape album cover a co-worker gifted me. Gruve was a late addition to the roster but fortunately had a dragon onesie from last halloween to play in. the costumes brought the perfect amount of lightheartedness and smiles to all of the staff and some of the other patients. i also met with a palliative care doctor regarding herbal remedies and a representative to help expedite my medical assistance application.
in a physical sense, so far, i haven’t experienced any of the side effects that i was catastrophizing about. certainly, their time may come, but for now, all is well and truly “no prob-llama”, besides that yesterday i couldn’t decide on hot or cold and today i have been shivering, my brain definitely doesn’t seem to be firing on all cylinders, and i’m not sure when i will look in the mirror next and not feel like my eyes are glassy and sick looking. they do a pretty good job to armor you up with medications to combat the discomfort, nausea, etc and for now, it’s working fine. also good news, is i am finally getting comfortable after the port placement to sleep on my sides.
i was really expecting and gearing up for friday to hit me like a speeding train of emotion and reality and when that didn’t happen, i thought for sure monday. i didn’t sleep great on sunday evening and got a bit emotional when my dad text me on monday morning, but by the time we left the house and were on the way, i just tried to focus on laughing rather than crying. it was definitely overwhelming and i left feeling a bit numb but everything else has felt mostly normal (or, at least, my ‘new normal’) since then. perhaps i am still living in a safe bubble of dissociation and/or denial or maybe i’ve been gifted an uncanny ability to face otherwise dark and terrifying circumstances with an acceptance only accurately described as God’s grace. i guess it just solidifies my ongoing practice to take everything one day at a time and be present to what it brings, rather than getting worked up in anticipatory fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.
yesterday i came home to clean and folded laundry (thanks Robin!) and a meals for two through wednesday (thank you Carmen!). Gruve, Dre and Coll came over after and we just had a chill afternoon watching trash TV and reading random magazine articles. it’s been a joy for me to see my friend groups blend and come together and all find things about each other that they love.
which brings me to, a continued awe and wonderment at the amount of supportive comments, texts, emails, letters, gifts, donations, thoughts and love that everyone has to give. i’ve heard a few commentaries that people are surprised to see that i am being so public and honest about what i am going through and, being a person who likes privacy, i can understand why they would feel this way… but to quote the one and only Brother Ali… it’s as real as you make it. and i think there is value for me to cast a wide net of collective consciousness to fight this battle and i hope through my writing, there is value to you, as someone who will potentially face your own unfathomable hardship or most certainly, to be in the inner circle of someone facing theirs.
there’s a hundred other things i could say about how my personal evolution + my experience as a single mother has helped me to let this guard down and embrace realness, help and community, or makes blogging feel like the right thing for this situation, but that’s for another night (because after 45 minutes of typing, i accidentally deleted the whole post and had to start over). so with that… it is well. goodnight.
