writing came a lot easier when i was getting new information every few days and was trying to communicate it to people. february is half over tomorrow and i’ve felt rather busy so let’s start with a recap of what’s been going on and see if that unlocks more about how i’m doing.
the months started off with port surgery and Hann and Joe staying the weekend to help out. there was a girl’s brunch, bar bingo, ninja gym and super bowl too. then chemo monday, a meeting at Gilda’s Clubhouse on tuesday to get involved with a support group, an MRI wednesday. the MRI was to get imaging of the pelvic area to get more info and have images for later comparison. it was an hour and 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes were so uncomfortable. the doctors have been asking if i’ve had any pain caused by this spot and i haven’t, until the MRI. it was miserable. the good news is, the original lesion is the only one there and it is under 2 cm.
friday a work happy hour and then sleepover with the Guhl’s (Meg, Kaela, Dre & Gruve) to just be together but also to celebrate Gruve’s bday and Meg’s EP release! saturday was Dre’s baby shower and in the evening we hung with Al, TJ and Josh. shortly after Colleen got home i admitted that i’d been having some chest pain and tightness since sometime on friday that was starting to make me wonder “should i call the nurse”? i was emotionally on edge and a couple steps beyond teary-eyed at least a dozen times throughout the day and stubborn about the pain because i don’t want to have cancer and to have to do this bullshit. i did call the nurse but elected to monitor it further before going into the ER and that worked out to be a solid decision, because i woke up sunday with almost total relief.
sunday was my weekend to serve with the elementary kids at church, which went well. we had a valentine’s agape love party and the kids were very engaged in the projects we worked on, which is kind of rare, and was really nice. Audrey had a play date with some friends from school in the afternoon and i did the relaxing and causal task of working on my will and health care directive. excellllent.
monday i had a nurse visit, which went well. all of my blood panels showed everything is still in normal range which is good and demonstrates that i am in fact tolerating chemo well. i have started noticing a couple other side effects, like the taste in my mouth — they say it becomes metallic but at this point it just feels like every hour like i just woke up and need to gargle and brush my teeth, so i’ve been sucking on jolly ranchers and peppo-mints. this morning my scalp is still sensitive/sore from yesterdays pony tail, which i am taking as a solid sign my hair follicles are starting to realize they are being targeted. the nurse gave me a prescription for a wig aka cranial prosthesis and i’ve started saving “20 ways to tie a head scarf” posts on pinterest. silver lining of hair loss: i won’t have to go through the awkward phase of dying my hair back to blonde when i get sick of brunette.
last night was my first support group at Gilda’s and i made it through the “hi, my name is hana and on january 9th…” part of my introduction without crying. my therapist is also a single mom and some of the most validating conversation i have had about parenting has happened with her, so i know that i will benefit from being able to bitch, laugh and cry about cancer with other people who have cancer. the group is diverse, so i will also learn about other types of cancer and the unique struggles of each kind.
tonight is Meg’s EP release SHOW (Turf Club - 7:30 - $10 - local? COME!) which i am veerrrryyyy excited for and the next three days are minimally scheduled which i am also veerrryyyyyy excited for. so how am i doing? meh. i’m doing. things are still shifting and settling and i’m feeling a little angry and a lot sad when i am down. when things are good with Audrey and i, i often say we are in sync. the past week, i definitely feel more out of sync than in sync with her. monday morning was rough but we worked through it and yesterday morning we had none of the same issues. i’m working on making sure there is time she has my undivided attention and preferably when i have energy, so i am more apt to being agreeable to what she wants to do with that time. she’s ready for my lifting restrictions to be done so i can pick her up for big squeeze hugs and so she can do her suspended flips, but has been offering to carry things and at times, insisting upon it. trying to tell any mom guilt that creeps up to sit the fuck down cause we’re both just doing our best.
i’m behind on thank you’s but have gotten a lot of thoughtful mail and Audrey has gotten her fair share this week too, which she LOVES. i have a LOT of journals. i don’t need more journals. please don’t send any. i do need a shower though and have to get to work, so with that, i’m out.
