adios, denial.
well, dear reader, it’s official. denial has left the building, cancer is real and Dr. Chupp is a wise man to have encouraged me to consider an anti-depressant.
while this week has been considerably better, last week was difficult. the first adjustment was a shaved head. it doesn’t matter what shape your head is or how naturally you can pull off a buzzed head or if you shave your hair before it all falls out— hair loss will mess with you — both the look and the feel.
the feel: it is cold. it is painful. and it is itchy. a handful of times i have experienced what i am calling “scalp goose bumps” which wouldn’t be so bad but when these goose bumps happen each hair follicle feels kind of like a needle?? men, is this a normal thing? it is SO unpleasant!
the look: i got about a week into buzzed and the bald started coming in patches and almost two weeks later and it might be close to 50/50 buzzed/bald, so basically just as i get used to it being one way, it changes.
a new social anxiety is thrown in, too, because if cancer is already an elephant in the room, now it’s a fluorescent yellow elephant. for some, they are getting their first taste of what’s on the other side of denial, too and this is usually evident in their non-verbals. surprisingly, complete strangers are nothing like they are with a pregnant tummy when they see a near-bald woman. something about my sweatpants and tired eyes must say “it’s not a happy story” because no one asks.
then the brain fog & fatigue. i was being hard on myself in the last post and this is likely to get much worse but it was a taste of what is to come and probably to stay a bit longer next time, too. insert more social anxiety, because the easiest way to maintain normalcy is through non-cancer conversation and communication with people, so to have been in a position where i felt flustered trying to concentrate and listen well, made me feel like i can’t respond very well and if I can’t respond well, you’re not going to feel validated in your story or like i care and then, is there a point? of course, there is grace and understanding from others and i am trying to be gentle with myself, too, but these things take time.
and finally, i caught a cold on thursday, which came with a sudden fever on friday evening, and a trip to the ER. let me tell you, there is no quicker way to feel like a bonafide cancer patient than to roll into the ER where you are on the VIP “expected” list on a friday night and spend four hours getting a flu test up the nose, an EKG, a chest x-ray, blood draw and urine sample all for a fever that wasn’t even that high. fortunately the fever was from the cold, not the cancer and my blood work again proved that my body is tolerating the chemo well. and extra bonus, my best friend is a licensed, professional therapist and turns out this is a very good friend to have around when you come face to face with your depression.
all in all, things have been better this week. it’s nice to have a week break between infusions and i am going to soak that in as much as i can in March before we move on to the weekly treatments. i also finished working, picked out a few wigs, started seeing a new therapist (who is a breast cancer survivor), took a lot of naps, checked off several of my to-do reminders and today will go see a psychiatrist to determine what mood support i might find beneficial.
my mom and dad are on a plane back to MN right now; they will be here through the 9th and we will celebrate both Audrey and my mom’s birthdays. TODAY is Audrey’s 7th birthday… highlights of year six include: she got her ears pierced, changed schools and started learning a new language, learned to ride a bike with no training wheels, lost two teeth and travelled to three new states. she is as sassy as she is smart and i am stunned at her resiliency. and while some days are long and hard, the years pass quick and it is a joy to see the world through her eyes and to grow as a person along with her.
life… it’s a trip! happy weekend!
